“You could choose some paths and not others. Not always, of course. At times destiny just drove you to a destination and dropped your ass off and that was that. But on occasion you were able to pick the address. And if you had half a brain, no matter how hard it was or how weird it felt, you went into the house. And found yourself.”
Father Mine is a novella that appears in the compendium Black Dagger Brotherhood: An Insider's Guide and continues the story of Zsadist, Bella, and Nalla. It's preceded by Lover Enshrined and followed by Lover Avenged. While it's not required reading for the larger storyline, certain elements tie into Lover Avenged.
Synopsis[]
Ever since the birth of his daughter, Nalla, Zsadist has been regressing further and further into the life he led before he met Bella, his beautiful shellan. He has been waking up in cold sweats due to nightmares from his past, hasn't made love to his wife, and won't hold his baby girl, for fear that he might hurt her. While Nalla's presence had consisted of only joy and excitement in first couple months of her life, now it seems to be driving the couple apart. Bella is afraid that she and Nalla just may need to leave her hellren.
But then Zsadist gets injured on a mission to fight the lessers and because he hasn't been feeding from Bella, almost loses his life. Could this near-death experience create the motivation to pull this couple back together? Or has the gap between them spanned too far for redemption?
Main Characters[]
Other Characters[]
Black Dagger Brotherhood Members[]
Others - Speaking Roles[]
Mentioned or Non-Speaking Roles[]
Plot[]
Readers should be aware that there are references to past abuse and slavery.
Chapter 1[]
Two months after Nalla's birth, Doc Jane's talking to Zsadist while he's making a salad about how well Bella and Nalla are doing; when she asks how he's adjusting to fatherhood, he slips and cuts himself. He's been refusing to feed from Bella because he doesn't want to put another demand on her body; he refers to Nalla as "her baby," not "their baby." Doc Jane suggests he talk to Mary, which doesn't go over well because Z thinks he's merely being respectful of the demands on his shellan.
Jane keeps pushing, asking when he last ate, and Z snaps at her. The cut, which should have sealed over already, is still bleeding. Remaining calm and logical, she points out that if he's not taking care of himself physically, then it will affect his performance in the field and she will bench him.
Z looks at his slave bands and compares them to Nalla's perfect baby skin, which he hasn't even touched. Jane asks if he's ever thought about having them removed, but the salt in the ink made them permanent. When she starts to suggest lasers, he cuts her off.
While changing Nalla's diaper, Bella tells Phury about the nightmares Zsadist's been having, but he won't talk to her about them. He's been eating little and not feeding at all. When Nalla was born, he was happy and in a good headspace, but not long after he closed off from everyone and reverted to where he was before they mated. Not sure what else to do, she turns to Phury for help.
In the past week Nalla's begun to recognize who is with her and who isn't; she knows when her father isn't there, which is why Bella's bringing Phury into the situation. Breaking down into tears, she tells Phury that Z won't hold Nalla, won't read to her, won't even refer to her as his daughter. She worries that he resents her and Nalla and if he can't be there for them, she'll leave him because she won't raise her daughter with a father who won't acknowledge her.
Zsadist brings the salad he made for Bella, sees that she's been crying and talking to Phury, and leaves to hunt Lessers.
Chapter 2[]
Zsadist wakes in a familiar, disorienting panic because, in the dark, he doesn't know if he's back in his Mistress' cell or at home with Bella. He hears Bella cry and blames himself for bringing an infant into the cell where the Mistress could find her and he's seized with the need to get the young out of there. Bella wakes up and turns on a light, bringing him out of his waking nightmare and he feels bad for waking up his females and scaring his shellan. Nalla doesn't want to be held by Bella, she wants her dad, who backs away. Bella gets their daughter back to sleep.
He starts to apologize to Bella for the nightmares, but she tells him that what he's doing is hurting Nalla. He can't hold or play or read to Nalla because then she'd be stuck with a father who was a blood slave; he thinks that she deserves better than him. Bella tells him that if he won't be a father, then she'll leave him even though she loves him.
Z doesn't want the filth of his past anywhere near Nalla; he doesn't want her to know that such evil could exist in the world. He doesn't know what to say when she'll inevitably ask about his scars or tattoos or why her uncle Phury's missing part of a leg. There's no way he could be the father she deserved.
Bella and Zsadist haven't been together since long before the birth. She's just gotten out of the shower and he still wants her and she's feeling less attractive after the changes to her body; she remembers her father's many admonitions against getting fat.
Chapter 3[]
Rhage and Z raid a Lesser's hideout and in the basement, Z finds a male civilian naked, beaten, and tied to a table; the sight threatens to send him into a flashback. The floor gives way under him and Z lands in a room full of looted treasures, breaking his leg in the process. He orders Rhage to save the civilian, but they're interrupted by a pair of Lessers just as Z passes out.
Chapter 4[]
Bella senses something's wrong and assumes it's because Zsadist hadn't really responded when she confronted him; she begins to prepare to move out and asks Rehv for a place to stay for a few weeks. He asks if he needs "to kill that fool bastard."
Flat on his back at the mercy of the Lessers, Zsadist assumes he's about to die only to have Blay, John Matthew, Qhuinn, and Rhage come to the rescue. When Z experiences dream-reality confusion and starts to panic, John tugs on his broken leg. The pain jolts him mentally back to reality and realizing he's alive, needs to hear from Bella and Nalla.
Bella and Rehvenge are making plans to move her and the baby into his house on the river next to Xhex's cabin when she receives a text from Zsadist asking her to forgive him.
Chapter 5[]
Zsadist gets a response from Bella telling him that she's moving out with Nalla and he tries to get to his feet, desperately needing to get home even though he can't dematerialize. When Rhage tries to get him to stop moving, Z tells him that Bella's leaving him. Rhage says he'll get him home, but he needs a doctor first. Qhuinn and John carry him out. They blow up the hideout as they leave.
Mary tells Bella that Z's injured and will need to feed, but she doesn't have any other information. Realizing that he'd reached out to her after he'd been injured, Bella regrets telling him she was going to leave him like that.
More Lessers chase after the Brothers, shooting at Qhuinn's car; Rhage takes them out with a grenade. As he's going into shock, Z apologizes for bleeding all over Qhuinn's new car. Qhuinn tells him not worry, he's worth trashing his car for. Since the break's a compound fracture and Z's not doing so good, Rhage tells him they're taking him and civilian to Havers' clinic. When Z inevitably insists on going home, Rhage reassures him that he told Mary to keep Bella at home until Zsadist can get there.
Chapter 6[]
In the training center's PT room, Bella's panicking because it's been an hour and Z hasn't arrived yet. She remembers when Nalla was born, which was several months early. Zsadist had been terrified. Wrath comes to tell her that Z's stabilized and on his way from Havers'; he holds her as she lets go of the fear that she'd been trying to control. She asks him if Beth had a child, would he love the baby as much as he loves his shellan. He says that he thinks vampires have evolved so that males love so deeply in order to protect their shellans who in turn can care for her young. While it's different, males do love their children.
Zsadist's brought in and seeing that he's in the PT room, he remembers nearly losing Bella the night Nalla was born. She'd told Doc Jane to focus on saving the baby, fully expecting to die and worrying about what would happen to Zsadist if she did. He'd only cared if Nalla was alive because he couldn't bear for Bella to lose her when her last words were worrying for the young.
When she'd woken from the C-section, Z was so relieved. He had V bring Nalla over immediately so Bella could see their daughter was all-right. She remembers how he'd looked at Bella with love and how he was at the ribboning ceremony, even making sure Phury was there, she asks what happened.
Breaking down in tears, Z confesses that he sees Nalla in his nightmares of the Mistress where he's chained again and can't get to the baby to protect her because the Mistress will force her to watch what she does to Zsadist.
Chapter 7[]
After resting, Zsadist wakes up and Bella asks him if he still wants her. He doesn't understand where the question's coming from and she points out that he hasn't fed from her and he hasn't reached out for her, although she hadn't reached out either. Both of them are struggling with their own fears and he takes the first step by showing her that he's aroused. Looking back at when she'd gotten out of the shower, he realizes she'd been seeing flaws that weren't there and had covered up not to hide from his attraction, but because she thought she didn't have his attention anymore.
Nalla wakes up and interrupts their private moment. While taking care of the baby, Bella wonders if Mary could help Zsadist professionally because his issues are big enough that the love and support from a mate aren't enough. When she's finally gotten Nalla taken care of, Zsadist's removed his bandages himself and in the shower, so Bella waits for him.
Doc Jane comes in to check on Z and suggests that Bella go "wash his back" for him, but Bella prefers to wait. Jane suggests that to get back to being a shellan and not just a mahmen, that they move Nalla's crib into the nursery and get a baby monitor so that they can have privacy. It would also get Nalla used to sleeping on her own. As soon as Jane leaves, Bella moves the crib even though she feels like it's abandoning her daughter to just move her into the other room.
When Z gets out of the shower, he pounces on Bella.
Afterwards, he apologizes for not being there for Nalla and he says that she looks a little like him. Bella tells him all of the little details that Nalla gets from her father and takes him to introduce him to his daughter.
Chapter 8[]
Nalla fusses a little in her sleep, sensing her parents and wanting a physical connection. Zsadist reaches out a shaking hand and the baby grips onto his thumb with a strong grip that fills him with pride. She wakes up and looks at him and he whispers that she's just like her mahmen and can make the world go away for him. Poor Bella's crying over the moment. Holding both his females, he feels more complete and like he's 10 feet tall.... until Nalla touches one of his slave bands.
Bella tells him that she doesn't understand. He says that some day she will.
It's always said that males only bond with their shellans, but Zsadist realizes that he's also bonding with Nalla. He heads to the training center where she and Vishous are building the clinic in the training centre to get his cast off. While she's working on him, he asks her about getting his tattoos removed. She says laser removal might be an option and she knows someone to ask.
Bella and Zsadist re-connect again and afterwards he's trying to ask her something, but when he's quiet, Bella asks if he's thinking about getting the tattoos removed. Before he can even ask, she tells him it's an excellent plan and she'll go with him.
Chapter 9[]
At St. Francis, Dr. Thomas Wolcott Franklin III, aka T.W., has an unusually late appointment and is the only one left in his department, which has a very high-end plastic surgery clinic that caters to the ridiculously wealthy. While this leads some of colleagues to view him as a sell-out, he doesn't care because that revenue allows him to treat pro bono people in need of reconstructive surgery, especially children and burn victims. He suspects that the patient he's expecting will be spoiled and rich, demanding that other people's schedules cater to them.
Bella walks in and he's struck dumb by her beauty, then he's struck dumb with fear at Zsadist who comes in behind her. At first he thinks that Zsadist's a rock star who wants to lose some old tattoos, but he recognizes in Bella the quiet desperation of the families of patients with life-altering issues instead of cosmetic ones.
When T.W. stares at the scars on Zsadist's back, Z says it's not going to work and they're going to find someone else. To demonstrate that he knows where Zsadist is at, he pulls his burned hand, which is missing a pinky, out of his pocket where he normally keeps it tucked. He tells Z that when he was a kid, he was trapped in a house fire and was conscious the entire time; knowing that the doctor knows something about old wounds, Zsadist relaxes.
T.W.'s smart and asks Z for permission before touching him, earning him a notch of respect. Z's eyes were black when he came in, but as he relaxes, they return to yellow, which the doctor notices and Z has to go into his mind to tell him it's nothing to worry about.
When they get started on the laser treatment, T.W. reassures him that he won't have to lay down, which worried Z, thinking he might have a flashback. Understanding that there might be some trauma, T.W. tells Z that he's in control and at his word they can stop and that he'll explain everything that he's doing, even offering a mirror so that Z can watch when he lasers the back of his neck. Bella chokes up at the doctor's compassion.
T.W. observes the deep love between Bella and his patient and thinks about how his wife often eats dinner alone or how their vacations usually include a medical conference.
Despite T.W.'s efforts, there's no change in the tattoos, which upsets him because he knows that it meant something to Zsadist. Z reassures him that he understands and appreciates that the doctor took him as seriously as he did. The doctor's still frustrated because he suspects that Z didn't get inked willingly and wracks his brain for other options.
Zsadist asks about cutting them out, which T.W. considers seriously, but doesn't recommend, especially on the neck with the arteries so close to the surface. The doctor hates feeling helpless and tells them they don't have to pay for his time since he wasn't able to help. Knowing that his inability to help will eat away at the doctor, Z implants the memory in his mind that after they leave, he won't remember much other than his patient was okay when he left.
T.W. finds himself alone with an envelope addressed with: "In gratitude to T.W. Franklin, M.D., to be applied at his direction in favour of his department's good works;" inside there's a cheque from a Fritz Perlmutter for $100,000 made out to "the Department of Dermatology, St. Francis Hospital."
On his way home, he stops to get a single daisy, the same kind his wife had brought him every week for the two months he'd been in hospital when he was 10 and she was 11. When he gets home, he tells her that he doesn't say thank you enough, or I love you, and that he still thinks she's as beautiful as the day he married her. He promises her a trip for their anniversary that doesn't involve a medical conference.